You would be hard-pressed to find a parent who hasn’t faced the dilemma of what to do when kids lie. Lying is a natural part of development, and there are many reasons why kids stretch the truth. But how do you react? What is an appropriate response when you catch your child in a lie? Below are some helpful tips to send you in the right direction.
Tips for What to Do When Your Child Lies
Remain Calm
The best thing you can do when you catch your child in a lie is to take a deep breath and resist the urge to overreact. Yelling and lecturing will only further encourage this kind of evasive behavior in the future, as they often want to avoid your wrath at all costs. By staying calm you build the bridge to reestablish the trust between you and make it easier for them to fess up.
Listen with an Open Mind
In our previous post on the topic, we list several reasons why kids lie. Though there is no good excuse for not telling the truth, it’s important to try to understand the motivation behind the lie. Not only will this determine your next course of action, but by putting yourself in their shoes you are better able to empathize with their reasoning and offer a more appropriate solution.
Offer Alternative Solutions
Depending on the reason for the lie, it might be appropriate to role play an alternate solution for your child to dissuade them from lying in the future. For example, if your child snuck a chocolate before dinner after you specifically asked them not to, and then lied about it when confronted, you might want to reenact the same scenario with an alternate ending. You be them and they can be you! You can role play asking if you can have the chocolate after dinner instead. Perhaps a cup of veggies to tide you over in the meantime. Then reverse roles and they can rewrite history themselves. It’s a fun way to offer practical strategies they can employ again.
Decide on a Consequence Together if Appropriate
Again, depending on the lie, it might be appropriate to apply a consequence. The number one rule of establishing appropriate consequences is to ensure that the consequence is connected to the offense. Taking away their allowance because they missed curfew is an example of an unrelated consequence. Moving curfew several hours earlier until trust is reestablished would be a more logical response. You can see several other suggestions for establishing positive consequences in our post here.
Move On
Sometimes the fact that they were caught is consequence enough because they know they have disappointed you. In this case, there is nothing wrong with extending grace and moving past it together. In cases where a consequence was established, it is even more imperative to move past the incident and resist the urge to keep harping on their mistake. As soon as possible, ensure your kids know that they have an opportunity to redeem themselves. As kids get older this can take time depending on the offense, but try to give them the benefit of the doubt in the meantime. If you expect them to disappoint you again, they probably will because they know they have already lost your trust. Move forward with a fresh start and they’ll be more likely to make more positive choices in the future.
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How do you respond when your child lies? Leave a comment below with your thoughts!
XO Good Enuf Mommy
What to do when you catch your child in a lie…[/caption]
Lying can become such a problem if it’s not addressed early on. You have some great strategies. Keep calm is on the top of my list!
I kinda use similar tactics, but I also appeal to my child’s sense of a higher authority, God. We are constantly learning from God’s word and it does help me to help them understand why lying is a trust issue. As I mold 8 children, lying is not something I want to grow with them. Thanks for the post
I totally agree Adrienne. We do the same in our household too and have a lot of talks around our family values and what it means to be a person of character. Thank you for leaving your thoughts.
I think remaining calm is huge. My mom used to scream at me and punish me right away. Now as a counselor, the counselor in me wants to know WHY the child is lying…are they afraid? What is the intrinsic motivation and the reward for lying?
Absolutely! It’s so important to find the root cause first.
Great ideas here. It’s so hard getting the good balance when parenting having to adapt to each child and their ways. I always enjoy reading and getting other parents ideas on dealing with situations so this has been very helpful
Thank you so much Lynne! Hope it was helpful!
I love the role playing idea. I think that would actually get the point across to my oldest. I also like how you said to come up with the consequence together.
I’m mentally cataloging this for the future since my kiddo is still too young to lie. But I know it will be an issue and these seem like some really good tips for managing the situation.
All great and practical tips. It’s always hard for me to keep my cool because lying is just something I have zero tolerance for, but it is very important I do stay calm and set a positive example. 🙂
Every parent has their trigger points for sure!
I love all these suggestions! When my kids do things they know they are not supposed to (lying or otherwise), I really try not to blow up and make them feel worse. They are kids and still learning and pushing boundaries. I’m also a huge believer in natural consequences. 🙂
I absolutely agree. Thank you for your insights
My little guy tends to be the complete opposite- he’s often TOO honest! lol We haven’t had to tackle the lying issue yet. But I did see it sometimes in my classroom and I think there were different kinds of lies- some were to get out of trouble, some were creative, some were to get attention. So I agree to find out what’s behind the lie! Great advice here!
What do you do if u know they are lying and they are still denying it?
I think that is where the trust needs to be built. Sometimes I remind him that he knows whether he did or didn’t and remind him why telling the truth is an important value. This is where a consequence might come into play if they won’t fess up
I am so glad you do not believe in freaking out. I think that’s the worst thing you could do. I am going to practice being more calm, open minded and on the same team as my kid to reach a resolution.
Thanks for the lovely advice!
Love,
Ruku Taneja
theswaddle.com
Thank you so much for the message Ruku. I agree – staying calm is the most important (and hardest) parenting skill to master
I’m so glad I stumbled upon your article! It just happen with my 4-year old. I initially did not know how to react but I’m glad I did not “over reacted”! I was thinking on how would I able to explain to him that telling a lie is bad thing. This article is very helpful, thanks for sharing this!
Thank you! I’m glad it was helpful