The following 5 false assumptions in a marriage are common. What we believe about the intentions of our spouse can have damaging and long-lasting effects.
There is a saying that women get married with the assumption that their husbands will change and they don’t. Men get married assuming their wives will never change and they do!
There is nothing wrong about holding your spouse accountable for their actions when they are out of line, however you must ask yourself first: is this really a problem with them or it possibly a reflection of my own failed expectations?
Ah love…disappointing, confusing, maddening, expectation-crushing LOVE…
5 False Assumptions That Will Kill Your Marriage
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The assumption your spouse intends to HURT:
In case this is news to anyone, there is not a person on this planet that hasn’t at some point said something stupid and wished they could take back the moment it left their lips. Your spouse is no exception and neither are you. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt back. Whoever is without guilt shall cast the first stone right? Because we’re all guilty, it’s important to find forgiveness in your heart for your spouse when the dust finally settles. Chances are they are not intentionally out to hurt you, and probably don’t even understand the depths to which they did. If explaining it again for the fifteenth time is still not getting through, it’s probably in your best interest to try to move past it.
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The assumption your spouse intends to ANNOY you:
Being annoyed by your spouse at various times of the day is pretty much par for the course in any marriage. They left dishes on counter again? When the dishwasher is right there? The laundry wasn’t folded the way you specifically showed them a million times? The kids ate candy for lunch and sat in front of the tv all day so you could go out and have a break? There is not a human being on this planet you could find to cohabitate with whose every minor character flaw you won’t eventually magnify beyond a reasonable measure. I get it – the sound of their chewing at supper makes you want to equip yourself with ear-cancelling headphones at every meal going forward– but they are not intentionally trying to annoy you. If it’s not life or death, let it go.
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The assumption your spouse DOESN’T CARE:
I’m going to throw out a pretty radical idea here – just because your spouse doesn’t happen to care about everything you care about or to the exact same degree, does not mean that they don’t care about you. Everyone enters a marriage with a certain worldview, sets of values, and priorities. Inevitably these values and expectations you bring into a marriage with ultimately clash at some point with your spouse. One of you might feel out of control in a messy house while the other feels it’s more important to be present in the moment with your kids and clean up later. Neither of these are right or wrong. It’s important to remember that they are simple different values and expectations. It doesn’t mean that your spouse doesn’t care, they just come to the marriage with different priorities.
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The assumption your spouse DOESN’T LOVE YOU:
Have you ever read The The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman (2010) Paperback
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If you haven’t you must! Essentially it boils down to the fact that people express their love differently. My husband for example is an acts of service guy. He cleans the house, takes care of all the little errands that need done, ensures there is always gas in my car, among many other things. It took me a long time to begin to view this as proof of his love. I’m a gifts girl. I write sentimental notes, drop off care packages to friends, and stop and pick up his favourite beer on my way home. Why doesn’t he ever do that for me? Well frankly because he often just doesn’t think of it. I’ve come to accept his love in the form he feels most comfortable showing it and he tries to bring me home a chocolate bar every once in awhile. Win-win!
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The assumption that it WON’T EVER GET BETTER:
Every marriage has it’s seasons of ups and downs. Many couples eventually hit of point of what have we done? Can I really spent the rest of my life with this person? In the thick of difficult times it’s very difficult to assume things will ever be different. I’ve been there. What helps me through is choosing to love when I feel like just giving up. It’s seeking help from an outside source to talk through things we can’t on our own. Sometimes it’s just putting one foot in front of the other every day and not giving up. The fog always clears, often much sooner than I anticipate and I wonder why I ever felt that way in the first place.
There are many things about marriage that are frustrating, hurtful, and disappointing. The person you thought you married is more likely a pile of expectations you’ve staked your future on than a living, breathing imperfect human being. No one is perfect, including you. The more you can accept and love your spouse for who they are, the more likely your spouse is to return the favor.
What do you think? What assumptions did you go into marriage believing to be true? How did you handle it when it didn’t go as planned?
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The Good Enuf Mommy
First off: I LOVE your new site! So clean and pretty <3
What you've written is key, and all comes back to a main component : communication. We have hit all of these assumptions at home and we always say we have to communicate. I know he doesn't intent to annoy me by leaving dishes in the sink, but it happens. Your marriage series has been wonderful Tiff!
Thank you so much Erin! That is so sweet of you!
Ahhhhhh I think we have all experienced a little of all of these unfortunately. Number 3 is the one I relate too the most lol. I always have to remind my self that my hubby and I were raised completely different. 9 times out of 10 things really don’t have anything to do with me even though I interpret them that way. I’m way too sensitive about things I really shouldn’t be lol…
I love this post so much! The five assumptions you’ve mentioned are all things I default to when I’m overtired, we haven’t spent enough time together. Sharing and pinning xo
I’m very grateful that for me, assuming the best intentions and assuming that my husband loves me like crazy comes easy. There would be a lot less hurt in relationships if it were always easy to assume the best about those close to us!
You’ve got it!
So much truth! The key is being mindful of this everyday when you haven’t slept, there’s dishes to do and the baby is crying 🙂
This is so true! The truth is, we are all human and marriage is not perfect. It is hard and something you have to constantly strive to protect and nurture. Especially these days when divorce is becoming more and more common. It’s something you have to fight for and constantly work on. It’s not all fluffy.
I totally agree. For many people marriage doesn’t come easy and giving up can seem like the best option.
Great post! I once had someone tell me when you believe in GOOD INTENTIONS, all relationships seem to be easier. Isn’t that the truth though?!
This is such a great post! I could not agree more about 1 and 2 and I’m guilty of those all the time so this has been a big reminder that sometimes I need. I think when we get upset or annoyed we lash out at those closest to us and just assume these things without thinking logically. Thanks for such a great reminder.
I agree with Erin. Communication is key. And it’s really hard when both parties feel those things. Great thoughts!
I love this! The Five Love Languages has been on my to-read list for way too long. It’s about time to read it, and get Hubs to read it too. I think that will help clear up a lot misunderstandings. And I love your last point. Just because it’s not perfect now doesn’t mean it won’t get better again. <3
These are excellent tips and I’m not married, but I’m in a really serious long-term relationship so it is to the point of “marriage” without the ring if I’m honest so these tips are excellent to know. I always feel like he’s out to get me and realistically that’s just not the case! xx adaatude.com
You really have created a wonderful series on marriage and relationships. This post is a winner!
Great points and I think they all come down to trust. It took me a bit to learn, but he chose to marry me – I have to trust that he did it because he loves me and wants to be with me! Once I accepted that marriage got so much easier.
When it comes to serious discussion on marriage, this is an excellent post. It provides great food for thought. My husband and I married young and we will be celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary this June. Friends are always asking what has made our marriage so happy and successful. These are the tips I share: Mutual respect, mutual admiration, deep love, humor, positive attitude, regular praise of your partner, listening – really listening – when your partner speaks, give positive input on his opinion while sharing your possibly different view, spending a lot of quality time together traveling and having fun, being the other person’s biggest cheerleader, never correcting (and thereby embarrassing) your spouse after he has spoken about whatever topic it may be in public or social circles (you can let him know about his oops moment later in private!), supporting each other’s dreams, praising his good qualities to him when your children are in earshot, laughing a lot, unexpectedly reaching out to gently and briefly caress his arm/hand/back, telling your spouse how much you appreciate him and that his sweetness is never taken for granted, telling your spouse how lucky you are that he is in your life, really communicating with one another. And this is KEY: Your spouse must be awesome at reciprocating. A smooth and gentle ebb and flow of these simple loving principals is what moves a marriage forward with goodness.
Very true! What usually gets me is there stuff that always needs to be done around the house. I know my husband will help out, if I ask for the help. But there are days when I feel I shouldn’t have to ask for help because it’s not random stuff that needs to be done. It’s the same stuff all the time.
This is a great post. Assumptions can be so dangerous and sometimes people don’t realize it! We always try to assume the best.
This is amazing. Your marriage series is so good and has inspired me in a lot of ways. I think the “it won’t get better” assumption is the most important on this list, next to “they don’t love you”.
This is all so true! I think people often forget the reasons they married their spouse in the first place and the reasons your spouse married you. It is very rare in our culture for people to marry people that they dislike. Life happens and people are only human, but it is important to remember the things that we love about each other and what we were first attracted to in that person.
I LOVE this list but would like to add I am pretty darn sure my husband is definitely trying to annoy me 🙂
Your site looks amazing and this post is so spot on. I used to be horrible about making assumptions and it was not an easy obstacle to get over. I love your open and honest and REAL relationship advice. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows and that is okay. We work through it and we get through it, together.
This is great advice. I’ve learned quickly that things don’t get better unless you talk about it. I think that’s the key to avoiding a lot of these assumptions.
I absolutely love these reminders. Of course these assumptions aren’t true. But it’s funny how my head just goes there when my expectations aren’t met or when I was hoping for something different. Thank you for the perspective!
I really love this post!! I feel that it’s so important to always give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. I know my husband never means to hurt me or anything (although he does intentionally drive me crazy sometimes! haha). But these assumptions really can take a toll on your marriage or even ruin it in some cases. The way I look at it, if your spouse didn’t love you and want to be with you, then they’d be with someone else!
All these things are so true. It’s hard in the heat of the moment to not think your spouse is intentionally hurting you, or doesn’t care for you, but when the dust settles, you have to realize that this is the one person that wouldn’t do that, and of course loves you the most. Such a great post and great reminder. ps. Love your new site!
I really, really needed this today-especially as a wife in a fresh marriage (less than a year). The last point is my favorite. There have been times when I’ve wondered if I was supposed to end up with my husband, but after a while I remember that my love for him goes over and beyond any other thing in the world and he’s who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
xoxo, SS
The Southern Stylista
Love this post! These are great reminders for everyone!
I think my assumption was that things wouldn’t change once we had kids, because OH BOY (and GIRL) they did. And we have had our fair share of struggles through these times but I think as the kids get older, we get better together because we have to learn to raise these kids TOGETHER!
Great article, I have learned a lot. I have added the sixth assumption. Your spouse does not respect you.
I remember going into marriage thinking we wouldn’t ever annoy each other, we were so in love, how could we?! Hah, boy, was I wrong. 😛
Oh, loving the new look by the way!
I have been married a very, very long time – with lots of life’s challenges and ups and downs!!! Communication – hence, “not assuming” anything is vital! It’s a moment by moment, step by step process – and I still haven’t figured it out!!!!! 🙂 🙂 You have listed lots of good things – and hope for tomorrow – hoping that our marriages will get better!
Really great post. It is so true that we often end up assuming things that are just not true. We are all human, we all make mistakes <3
Thank you for sharing this! Sometimes you need reminders here and there!
I absolutely love this post and everything you had to say about the 5 Assumptions. When I married my husband two years ago I promised myself that I would read a specific quote every single day, NO MATTER WHAT, so that I’d never forget the impact his words had on me and how they truly changed the way I would forever see my now husband, Kenny, and our relationship. Below is that quote:
“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
~ Bob Marley
Wishing you a fantabulous evening and thank you for sharing this post at the #HappyNow Link-Up today!!
Much love,
Lysa xoxo
You are so correct. I love reading your marriage articles. They make good sense and I need a reminder of those things from time to time. 😉
Oh yes love indeed, this is fabulous! I have been married 18 maddeningly, wonderful years and I give a big amen to your points. There are so many times I wish I had just held my tongue in check and I know he has told me the same thing. We really are on the same team, we just need to communicate, stay humble, stay kind and focused on the good in one another. It’s there, even when one of us leaves dirty dishes in the sink 🙂
These are such great points here. I think I’ve fallen for all 5 of these assumptions. Marriage sure is a lot of work but it helps to recognize that my spouse is just as broken as I am. Thanks for speaking the truth we needed to hear.
Marva | sunSPARKLEshine
Yes, yes, yes! Married for almost 26 years now and LOVE this. 🙂
I love how honest this is… I try my best to bite my tongue when my husband seemingly does the same thing over and over we have talked about, but you are right, it isn’t on purpose… and it isn’t that hard for me to toss the opened mail in the recyclables. I think it takes more effort to get mad then just take care of it for him!!
These are all really great points! I think that assuming the best in our spouse is essential. I’m so glad that I found your blog today! I’ve really enjoyed it. Thank you for your honest writing!
That is so sweet of you Kailei! Thank you so much!
I LOVE this post. It really makes you think about everything from a different angle. You’re so right that these assumptions can really hurt your relationship, which is sad when it’s really miscommunication.
Thank you!
You are so welcome! Hope it was helpful!
Absolutely fantastic read. Thank you!
Are you saying for #4 that your resolution is that you continue to accept the other things he does for you AND he gets to also bring you a candy bar? So you like to give and get gifts. What does HE like to receive for his “love language?” It’s so interesting that you don’t talk about what his needs are and how you learned about that.
Hi Mark. Actually #4 mentions his love language. It’s acts of service, which is how he like to give and receive love. The purpose of this article is from my perspective as his wife and the assumptions that I have falsely made. If I was going to write about his needs and what I learned that would be a separate article and would not fit the theme of this one.