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A Village of Support: The True Value of Friendship When Life Gets Real

in parenting on 14/12/15

friendship changes after you have a baby

When I first became pregnant, I was immediately met with a network of support from close family and friends. Everyone was so excited for us. They indulged me in my long laments of pregnancy, they threw me beautiful baby showers, and helpfully dispensed copious amounts of all of the parenting advice I should ever need.

Then I had my son, and it all got real. (Read the full story here).
Suddenly the visions I had of toting my little bundle of joy around town with my friends became an impossibility as I was barely mobile and overcome with pain. The happiness I thought I would feel was as elusive as the sleep I was no longer experiencing. As postpartum depression almost immediately took hold of me I wondered how I had gotten to this place. Why had I wanted this? What had I done? 
Ten days following the birth of my son, I sent a text to many of my family and friends saying that I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want to live.  A few hours later, I admitted myself into the hospital psych ward. Postpartum psychosis had taken over and I was left with very few options.
When word spread that I was in the hospital, the village of support starting pouring in. My mother-in-law stayed at our house and took on several weeks of night shifts with the baby. Close friends took time off work to help my husband care for our new son. Meals were dropped off daily from strangers and our local church. Others brought diapers, wipes, and clothes.
On my day passes when I was allowed to return home for 12 hours, a few friends that I allowed to see me in my current state, would stay with me to make sure I didn’t harm myself or my son. As humiliating as the whole experience was, it was also silently comforting to know I was never alone.
Some afternoons I would rock silently in my chair with C while a friend sat blissfully silent beside me.  Other times they would hold him for hours, allowing me to go upstairs and have a few hours to myself to rest my spinning mind. They never judged me or told me how I should be acting as a mother. They never told me I wasn’t normal.
There were many days I was too tired to speak. Many days I couldn’t answer simple questions or make simple decisions. I remember once my friend Court came to visit and asked if she could give me a hug. I just shook my head. She understood and respected my limits, even though I’m sure it hurt her in the moment.
It was a long road but eventually my mind released its death grip on my soul and with the help of a handy sleeping pill and anti-anxiety meds I was able to gain some much needed perspective again. It took many months, but I came out the other side a stronger mother and passionate advocate for moms. 
The true test of friendship, like any relationship, is not how good things are when life is happily chugging along, conforming to your daily expectations. It’s when things get real and your world is unraveling around you that you see the heart of someone’s true character.
My own mom commented many times how amazed she was that so many people had come together to help me through. When she asked them once why they were continuing to sacrifice so much of their time to help me they replied, “Because it’s what Tiff would do for us.”
And they are right.
My gratitude for these people cannot be put into words. Suffice it to say I may not have lived to tell the tale if they hadn’t put their own lives on hold to save mine. It doesn’t just take a village to raise a child; it takes a village to raise a mom. Finding a tribe of others to support you in parenthood is perhaps the richest gift you will ever receive.
Thank you to all of the members of my mommy tribe.
The Good Enuf Mommy
Originally published on The Good Mother Project



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Mom Advice Overload? 
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Let’s Talk Mental Health Shall We? 

On June 3, 2011 I found myself in The Rockyview Hospital being held in a locked white room with only a bed and some supper that the crisis team had kindly brought for me. I was out of my mind sleep deprived with obsessive thoughts, hopeless, soul-crushing depression and the idea that anyone in the world would be a better mother to my son than I could ever be. 


friendship changes after motherhood


25 Comments

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Comments

  1. Hil D says

    December 14, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    Wow, this gave me chills, and I read the WHOLE thing 🙂 I had my son's birthday party this weekend and to all my friends who came they took home a little souvenir, and on the back was a thank you message for being part of my village. I love the way you put that, it takes a village to raise a mom too. It really does. I am so sorry for everything you went through, PPD is just awful and you had it bad. Thank you so much for sharing your story, not a lot do and it helps others realize how common and normal PPD is so they can recognize the symptoms and get help when needed.

    I would love it if you came to link up at our party:

    http://www.raisingfairiesandknights.com/category/bloggers-spotlight/

    It's a link party and pin-up party, two parties in one! All posts will get pinned to our group pinterest board.

    Reply
  2. MAPLELEOPARD says

    December 14, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    Lovely post, friends truly make the world more bearable and a better place to be! I hear so many battle depression after a birth, luckily I never did. Glad you were able to overcome it!

    Valerie
    Fashion and Travel

    Reply
  3. Tara Schatz says

    December 15, 2015 at 1:57 pm

    What a hard journey! You're right it takes a village and you're often only as strong as your community. Thanks for sharing your beautiful words.

    Reply
  4. tialea2 says

    December 15, 2015 at 1:58 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing. I too have suffered with severe depression and at my worst, had to have friends stay with me and help me with my five children. I appreciate you sharing your story. And being so open. I am so thankful that you are sharing so others can get help. Mental illness is real and frightening, but there is help. I found you on the Maniac Monday linky party and I would love for you to join mine http://faithfilledparenting.com/2015/12/faith-filled-parenting-link-up-party-3/. Blessings.

    Reply
  5. Kimberly Cox says

    December 15, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    The courage it takes to share your story is something beautiful and amazing. I can totally tell your heart is in advocating for women, and I'm incredibly honored to say I "know" you. Thank you so so much for sharing your story with others who NEED to hear it <3 <3 <3

    Reply
  6. Lindsay Gallimore says

    December 15, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    Thank you for sharing this so openly. Moms need to know they are not alone when dealing with postpartum mental health issues— or any mental health issues! I was lucky to not suffer from ppd, but battled depression and anxiety issues for many years before kids, and felt so ashamed to talk about it.

    Reply
  7. Daria Vinning says

    December 15, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    You were truly blessed to have such an awesome support team. I didn't battle with postpartum, but I know some family members of mine that have. Thanks for the reminder that it is real!

    Reply
  8. Veronika Christine says

    December 15, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    You are so lucky to have so many people who care about you and your family. Very rare today. I'm glad everything worked out for you.

    Reply
  9. Sarah Mustardseedmommy says

    December 15, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Thank you for sharing this, what a powerful story. I'm so glad you were surrounded by so many people who loved you and were willing to help you through this.

    Reply
  10. Kristen Hewitt says

    December 15, 2015 at 6:49 pm

    Wow you went through so much, I'm so glad you are here able to share your story. Friends make everything easier don't they?

    Reply
  11. Jennifer Corter says

    December 16, 2015 at 1:22 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I too, admitted myself into the psych ward, because I knew that if I couldn't be my best self, I wouldn't be good for my son. Your story is powerful, thank you again, for sharing it. I feel less alone.

    Reply
  12. Betsy Strauss says

    December 16, 2015 at 1:22 am

    What a powerful story! It's amazing how difficult times can really draw out support like no other. I'm thankful to hear that you had such a wonderful group supporting you, and that you're brave enough to share your story. I love how you said, "It takes a tribe to raise a mom." So true! Blessings!

    Reply
  13. Katie Serbinski says

    December 16, 2015 at 1:22 am

    This is a beautiful post Tifany. I also read your story where you share your post-baby mental health challenges and I commend you for taking the step to getting YOU better before anything else. You are one strong woman who deserves a lot of credit for that [and a forceps birth— been there and the tearing is unreal— but we made it! 🙂 ].

    Reply
  14. Stefanie / The Monarch Mommy says

    December 16, 2015 at 1:22 am

    Wow, you are amazing! Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story with us. I know there is at least one mom out there that you're helping just by sharing your story.

    Reply
  15. Clare Speer says

    December 16, 2015 at 1:22 am

    Wow – thanks for sharing with candor… God bless you for getting through especially with the help of close family and friends…. I don't know what I would do without my sister and my girlfriends…. it's the simple things that matter…. even just sitting and being quiet with someone you are close with! Blessings to you for sharing this!

    Reply
  16. Stephanie Cox says

    December 16, 2015 at 4:22 am

    So many mothers don't want to share the real, the raw parts of motherhood. I applaud for you honesty and being so brave, to lay it out there for other Mommas to use.

    Reply
  17. Foxy's Domestic Side says

    December 16, 2015 at 1:44 pm

    Wow, thank you for being so open and honest, you truly have amazing friends and family, so happy that you did make it out on the other side. Many hugs and blessings.

    Reply
  18. Tamara Goyette says

    December 16, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Thank you for being open and honest. I wish more would do this. I had horrible postpartum depression with my first. It didn't hit until after the 6 weeks when you are normally checked in on. I felt like I was drowning. The village around me made all the difference. It's so important to have a good support team surround you.

    Reply
  19. K. Elizabeth @ YUMMommy says

    December 16, 2015 at 8:11 pm

    Thank God for our support villages. I'm currently in the process of rebuilding mine and continuing to be there for others. Having experienced Postpartum Depression myself, I know how important it is to there for other moms without judgement to enable them to have the opportunity to seek help or whatever they may need. Thanks for sharing your story!

    Reply
  20. Deanna says

    December 17, 2015 at 1:08 am

    This post is so beautiful and honest, I love it. It is so important to find a great tribe. it sounds like you have an amazing one!

    Reply
  21. Lucero De La Tierra says

    December 17, 2015 at 1:32 am

    Wow. You really are blessed to have so many people willing to extend themselves to help you. I'm happy you were able to see also that you needed help and sought it.

    Reply
  22. Joanna Clute says

    December 17, 2015 at 2:46 am

    This is an amazing post, and it sounds like you have an amazing group of people behind you. I always feel like my introversion a prevent me from forming a really strong "mommy tribe", although I have met some wonderful ladies and moms recently:)

    Reply
  23. Theresa A says

    December 17, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    Thank you for sharing your powerful story. It is wonderful that you have such an amazing support system in your life.

    Reply
  24. Andria Milliard says

    December 17, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story, by sharing it, I'm sure you've saved countless moms by letting them know they aren't alone. Pregnancy / birth, everything is such a roller coaster and you never know how you or your body and mind will react. I am glad to hear you had such an amazing support system. I just wish more people would check in to see how "we" are doing before it gets to this point. Quite often people come see the baby and then thats it, they are gone and don't care to see how mom is doing, physically and emotionally.

    Reply
  25. Meredith @ MommyAtoZ says

    December 19, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    I love this post. It's so honest and brave of you to share your story and let others know they're not alone if they don't feel the way they "should" after having a baby. Hopefully this will help others! Thanks for sharing at the Manic Mondays blog hop!

    Reply

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