There are many things in the world of motherhood that we are told on a daily basis that we “should” or “should not” do. We are being “shoulded” to death and frankly the unwarranted, unwelcome parenting advice from the peanut gallery is driving me a bit batty.
I’m sure a few of these sound familiar? 1. You shouldbreastfeed for at least 6 months, even if your milk never came in, you have adopted your child, or you could just fall down crying in pain.
You should not be pressured into breastfeeding. It’s your body – your choice. Who wants an orangutan hanging off them all day anyway?
2. You should put your child safely to sleep in their own crib on their back, even if they have acid reflux and have a greater chance of choking on their own vomit than suffocating in their mattress.
You should not leave your child alone in their room to sleep. What if they stop breathing? What if their little limbs become wedged between the slats? How will you know?
3. You should always put your own needs aside for the sake of your child and continuously sacrifice your sanity while you entertain them tirelessly every minute of the day.
You should not be a helicopter parent, you have to give them their own space to explore and develop on their own, but not while you’re on a technological device or you’re neglectful and selfish.
4. You should demand that your children obey you or they will turn out to be spoiled brats.
You should not ever give your children time-outs or make them apologize for inflicting violence on another child. Only practice gentle parenting philosophies or their self-esteem will be forever destroyed.
5. You should always respond to your babies’ cries within 10 seconds or they will develop learning disabilities, mental illness and will grow up to hate you forever.
You should notcater to every cry or whim of your child or they will never let you be and you will have no time to yourself. Do you really want them living with you until they are 30?
6. You should definitely circumcise your boys. How are they going to feel in the locker room 10 years from now? Don’t you want them to look like their dad? It’s scientifically proven that it is more hygienic.
You should notmess with what God gave them. Circumcision is a cruel and inhumane practice and research states that there is no medical reason to do it anymore.
7. You should potty train at the earliest possible time you can. If they can sit up, they can sit on the toilet. It’s natural. What do the kids in developing countries do?
You should notattempt to potty train until they are absolutely ready. Don’t try to push them into anything or they will just resist you more. If it takes until they are ten, so be it!
8. You should stay at home with your kids. They deserve the investment into their lives. You wouldn’t want a stranger raising your kids! It’s incredibly selfish to work outside the home and shows where your priorities lie!
You should notstay at home unless you can afford it. You won’t want to spend the next 30 years paying off debt when you have other options! Being a working mom is the perfect way to balance your own needs with those of your family and you shouldn’t feel guilty for admitting that you’re just not cut out for the stay-at-home gig.
9. You should have more than one kid. Otherwise you’re a selfish brats and your children will also be selfish brats s too! If you’re not run ragged and look like you’ve just spent an hour on the spin cycle you’re not working hard enough.
You should notworry about what other people think. If you want to have one kid or no kids, it’s no one else’s business but your own. They’re not the ones offering to raise them.
10. You shouldhave kids close together. It’s a built in playmate. Why would you deprive them of growing up with a sibling close to their own age?
You should not have kids close together. What are you – mad? See Signsand Symptoms of Motherhood and decide then if you want two or three little monkeys multiplying your symptoms.
The golden rule of mommyhood is that if no one asked you for your advice, it’s probably safe to assume it is unwelcome. Many moms reading this will think: But I’m just being helpful! But if they were just educated about their choices… The cold hard truth is that if you can’t respect the decisions of other mothers in your inner circle, your friendship is unlikely to last past your child’s first birthday. Do yourself and everyone else a favor and just “should-up!”
The Good Enuf Mommy
**As featured in Jayu kids blog.
Related:
Mom Advice Overload?
5 Practical Tips Everyone Can Agree On
Any new mom and mother to be will no doubt feel inundated by advice from well-meaning, “been there done that” women around them. From breastfeeding/bottle-feeding to co-sleeping/sleep-training it can all get very confusing very fast when conflicting bits of information are constantly being thrown your way.
Mommy Guilt: Making Peace with our own Parenting Choices
As moms we are expected to take care of all of the basic needs of keeping another human life alive and thriving. We also must be their personal entertainers while maintaining an immaculate household free from any hazards, dirt and dust. We must teach our children perfect manners and if they throw a temper tantrum (gasp!) we are expected to respond accordingly based on every individual onlooker’s personal discipline philosophy…
This is why I stopped reading parenting books once my first child was basically exiting toddlerhood. I'd had enough! Especially of conflicting advice (as this post displays well). Since then, I read books only when there is something I actually want others' opinions on so that I can make an informed decision.
I do not offer advice to friends unless they ask. I do share my experiences, and take on things, on my blog but it's everyone's choice which blogs they read! 😉
I definitely don't offer advice unless asked. I also just use my own experiences, but realize that everyone has different parenting styles and every child is different.
I totally agree with you! I almost wish I hadn't read any of them at all! Thanks for sharing your own experience!
And I'm sure that's what people appreciate about having you as a mommy friend! 🙂
I love it! I just tell people, "you SHOULD (should've) try that with your own kids then"
I seriously…was just talking about this earlier today. I just meet a new neighbor and she's already judging my parenting and trying to convince me of how great of a mom she is. Seriously, I have never befriended someone solely based on parenting level/skill. I never ever offer advice unless asked and I never ever judge someone unless they're being cruel to a child or putting a child in danger. When did that stop being the norm???
I deal with and have dealt with a lot of these, even recently. It's so crazy what people feel like like they need to tell you to "help" you and your child.
This is awesome! I get so sick of the mommy wars. Thanks for laying it all out.
Looooove this! As kind of a young Mom, I heard the "should"s a lot lol.
Great post. I have heard so many of those, and it drives me batty. Especially the one about having an only child. It's like all of the parenting studies that tell you that no matter what you do you are pretty much ruining your kid. Sigh. What we should do is what is best for our family.
Should up! Clever. I agree with Shanneva, no advice unless asked. I've sure had to ask sometimes though!! Thankful too for mother's intuition.
Unwanted advice will never stop, but sometimes we need to hear it and make our own conclusions. We might be wrong about something or never even thought of it because no one ever mentioned it. What we should do is take everything with a grain of salt and decide for ourselves whether that advice is worth something. Cause in the end, it might be or it might not.
Young Love Mommy
Ugh, unwanted parenting advice is the worst. Everyone's an expert!
This is so, so true! Such a good read. There is more than one way to skin a cat- that's a saying that I have developed such a fond appreciation for since becoming a mom. There is more than one way to do it.
Great article! The title really grabbed me. I'm not a parent yet, but I definitely believe in "to each their own".
Wow! That's intense! Everyone has an opinion! What matters is that you do what you think is best for you and your children.
It's like you're my parenting twin! My Mother-In-Law constantly comments on how advanced my daughter is compared to her slightly-older cousin. I am a SAHM only because working in Japan as a dependent is impossible. The highest paying job I could get would be $10 an hour and only part time. Wouldn't even cover daycare costs! But I don't cater to her. If she isn't dying, she doesn't need me to pick her up, she doesn't need me to even pretend to notice her "fake" crying. She's an only child and plays by her self ALL the time. I mean at some point in the day I have to clean the house, make dinner, wash clothes and you know take a shower and put on something other than Pajamas.
It frustrates me so much when other moms just "baby wear" their children into toddler hood. Those are the children that turn out weird. Not the ones who learned how to be independent.
Yes, yes, yes!! I love this. There are too many rules to parenting. Do what's best for you and only offer advice to others when they ask you. We don't need to be offended or snotty when people do things differently than we do! Moms need to be supporting each other instead of tearing each other down!
This is great. I only give advice if I'm asked, and do not pretend to be an expert AT ALL. There are just too many factors, and all babies/kids are different. Really nice post. Thanks!
It's like this with so many things, but it seems that parents seem to take it even farther than that. Everyone thinks they know whats best for other people, but no one really knows what it's like to be in the others' situations.
Very good advice Ellen!
Right? Even those without any kids 😉
Very true – all kids are different. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for the other!
Thanks Heather!
Very true! Do you have kids Dayne? Do men have an easier time with this stuff or do you still get the "shoulds?" 🙂
Good luck Trisha. I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job as a mom. You know your kid best!
Exactly…what are they hoping to accomplish anyway?
Exactly. We're only the expert on our own kids – we can't pretend to know what it's like for other parents. Every kids is so unique!
Thanks! 🙂
I think this is good advice in general. It's so hard for a lot of us to not offer our friends and loved ones advice if we see them hurting, in a bad situation, or doing something we just don't agree with, but it's important to be able to support our loved one's decisions, even if we don't necessarily agree with them.
These are so true!! People are constantly telling other people what they should and should not do and I think they have way to much time on their hands to worry about others! Great Post!
So glad I read this. I could not agree MORE, it is AWFUL the mix of advice/guilting moms get anymore. When we want to know your opinion, we ask, until then, I sooo agree Should Up 🙂