Think you’re prepared for parenthood? Here are some helpful training tools that every soon-to-be parent requires:
1. Record your voice saying, “Don’t touch that,” “Come here,” and “Please stop!” Press play several times a day. You will hear yourself saying this a lot so you better get used to it now.
2. Become trained in hostage negotiation. These skills will come in handy when trying to leave the house, getting your kids to clean up, and at mealtime.
3. Have your partner follow you around with a bullhorn yelling, “Mommy!” Have them do this especially during phone conversations and lunch with friends. Try not to lose your train of thought.
4. Set your alarm for 15 minutes after you go to bed every night. Get out of bed when you hear the alarm. Walk around the spare bedroom with a sack of potatoes for 30 minutes. Put sack down on spare bed. Immediately pick sack up again and walk around for another 30 minutes singing “The Wheels on the Bus.” Put sack down on spare bed. Immediately pick sack up again. Give up and bring potatoes to bed with you. Repeat every 2-3 hours. Try not to kill your husband when he says he’s tired the next day.
5. Walk around topless for several weeks or months. Visit a local farm and sympathize with the cows.
6. Tell your friends and family that if they want to drop by unexpectedly in the next few weeks that they must bring food and they must only stay for 15 minutes. Stare blankly at the wall the entire visit and try not to cry.
7. Drive around your neighborhood in a circle for at least an hour. Pull into your driveway and sit in your parked car for another 30 minutes checking Facebook and texting other friends completing similar training.
8. Read every book on babies ever published and then promptly forget every word. Decide that your mommy intuition is your best guide anyway.
9. Withdraw all the money in your bank account and swiftly toss it into the wind.
10. Remember the type of parent you swore you would never become. Smile smugly to yourself. It will be the last time you will ever feel like you have all the answers.
The Good Enuf Mommy
LOVE THIS!
I'm dying. This is sooooooooooooooooooooo true.
This is priceless! I particularly like the advice to become trained in hostage negotiation.
This, all of this! That's awesome.
Love it, All good advice! You should probably train with CIA in terrorism before you have 2 because together they control everything.
Hahah, I love this! Sooo true! Especially the bullhorn!
Hahahaha love this!!!!! And this is part of the reason I don't think I could handle having another lol…. Nothing preparers you for the real side of parenthood lol…
So true CourtneyLynne! How many do you have? I just have the one. I think that's about as much "training" as I can handle 🙂