The Good Enuf Mommy

Married with Kids – How to survive the tough spots

in marriage, parenting on

 

 

 

 

Nothing says romance like two sleep-deprived new parents trying desperately just to make it through the day without killing each other. Let me paint the scene for you shall I?
Sleep divided up into two-three hour increments does crazy things to your psyche. The patient, loving, and considerate spouse you once fell in love with is now basically a raging hormonal being that will rip your head off in one bite if you ask her what she did all day with “all her free time” before she breaks down into uncontrollable sobs.  Ah- love.

I am not aware of anyone yet who would say that their relationship didn’t change rather dramatically after they had kids. Children are one of those monumental shifts that take place in your life that force you to reevaluate almost everything else that existed before them. Adding a baby to the mix presents some significant challenges to your relationship going forward, much to the same effect as turning a blender on without a lid. Here are a few reasons I can pinpoint:
Priority Shift –All of a sudden you have another person in the house that takes priority over your spouse. As a wise person once said, it’s not who wears the ‘pants’ in the relationship, it’s who wears the diapers! Their needs are constant and never-ending and sometimes this can lead to your significant other feeling as if they aren’t number one in your world any longer, which could very well be true.
Lack of Sleep – You both aren’t getting any. Sleep is the key to proper perspective. When one or both of you aren’t sleeping it’s hard to see things as they really are and much easier to grow increasingly irritated or angry by even minor infractions by your partner.
Minimal ‘Me’ Time–The day begins innocently enough but somewhere around 4 pm I always think to myself where did the day go? The life of a mom revolves around naps, errands, cooking, cleaning, playing, crying, tantrums and trying to maintain a routine (or something like it…). It’s exhausting, repetitive, demanding and can really take a toll on your emotional well-being. It’s easy to get lost in it all and forget about ourselves. My husband innocently enough once asked me, “How can you just forget to eat?” Then after leaving him alone with our son for a day remarked, “Hmm…I actually didn’t eat lunch today…” To which I barely resisted screaming SEE!!??
So how does one cope? How can you move beyond these trying times in your relationship and come out the other side? I don’t pretend to have all the answers. Each relationship is unique and each couple needs to decide how to move forward with a “new normal” after having kids. Here are a few ideas that I’ve learned along the way that I have found helpful:

First, remember that your relationship will never be the same – and that’s okay. Those tough times you vaguely made reference to in your marital vows are never more prevalent that right after you have kids. You may feel like at times you are just going through the motions. It’s okay. The first year of your child’s life is about survival. It’s ok to just be putting one foot in front of the other some days and just choosing to stick by your commitment because that is what you promised you would do – in good times and in bad.

I also read recently that you need to choose to love in the times when it is the thing you feel least like giving. Giving your spouse a hug and a passionate kiss when you’ve both had an exhausting day is maybe not your first inclination, however these actions actually train your brain to feel the love you crave. And the more times you choose love, the more often you will feel loved in return.
What you may find along the way, is that what you sacrifice in spontaneity, personal freedoms and sleep, you may make up for in newfound, shared purpose – together. If you can make it through the tough times, when you come out the other side you’ll be a much stronger team than you ever would have been otherwise. You created that little being tearing apart your house and eating all your food. There is nothing in this world that will bond two people together better than that fact. They may be the only person that will love your child just as much as you do. They may be the only one who wants to hear silly stories about your child over and over. It’s an adventure together, and nothing worth doing is ever promised to be easy.
So this week take time to remember your spouse’s best qualities. Cherish the few moments you have together after the kids are in bed and curl up on the couch with a glass of wine and remember why you fell in love. An investment in your marriage is worth it. Most of all, your kids will thank you for it.
The Good Enuf Mommy

This post is part of the March Marriage Challenge  brought to you by The Eyes of a Boy. Be sure to check out the whole series!

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Comments

  2. I agree, I think that remembering their best qualities can go a long way. I just wrote down what I love about my husband, and (ok, I've clearly watched to much frozen) I felt my heart thaw.

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  3. I love this/ Honestly, it can be so hard to remember who you were and why you truly loved each other when you're amidst the craziness of parenthood and busy schedules. It's so important not to lose sight our your marriage and do things to really keep all that fresh. This is a great post <3

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  4. This is such a great post! I've felt like I was going through the motions quite often. It's those times when the kids are at grandma and grandpas that we get to reconnect. My husband and I are actually having a date night tonight! I'm so excited!

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  5. Very well written, and so true. We just gave birth to our third child, two months ago, and it is a daily struggle to find time for any sort of intimacy between my husband and I. But he's worth that struggle and I think he feels the same way about me. 😉

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  7. Ahhhh so agree…finding us time can be so hard!!! At least for us we see a light at the end of the tunnel kinda soon… My princess is almost old enough where we are comfortable leaving her with a sitter so we can once again have date nights etc now and then 😉

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  8. I don't have kids but my sister will agree with this! She has 2 and the youngest 17! She always thinks the days go by so fast and never have any her time, this post is awesome!

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  9. This is a great post! It is so true…we had our first right off the bat and I always wonder if those first few years would have been easier if we had waited awhile….but it may have been the same once we did have kids! 🙂

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  10. Such great reminders. I like the one about loving your spouse when you feel the least giving. Lack of sleep really does a number on everything. Thank you for this post.

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  11. My hubby and I are going through all of this right now. We have a 5 weeks old newborn who was also a preemie so double the challenges as we spent 13 days traveling an hour to and from the hospital to visit him every day. I am just TIRED and my hubby has his own business so he thinks he should just have to wake up once during the night (but its like 6am) for a feeding and I should do the rest since it is "my job". Our relationship just falls to the lowest of lows when we have newborns (it did this with my now 3 year old too) but it gets better as they get older and we get more sleep and more time together! Christine – The Choosy Mommy, http://www.choosykids.blogspot.com

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  13. Oh I can so relate! It's like we need a separate training manual for marriage in that first year of new life! It's so hard! Good luck! Power to you mamma! I'm sure you're doing wonderful!

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  16. I love that you mention your relationship with your spouse will never be the same, but that's okay. Sometimes I think about my relationship and life pre-baby and feel sad that I can never have that back – I know that sounds bad, but it's not a bad thing, it's just strange. Nothing is better than being a mom, but you lose your old life.

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  18. Great post! It took me over 10 years to get pregnant so my hubby and I had quite a bit of time to ourselves before our daughter came along. I don't think it matters if you have had kids right away or after you've been married for some time, kids definitely change the relationship. There is so much good but it's important to remember to take time to stay connected to your hubby. And I say that knowing how hard it is to actually do. This read is such a great reminder. Thanks!

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  19. Loved this!!! I have a 3 year old and a 1.5 year old and we BOTH feel like we just wanna crawl under a rock sometimes. Choosing to love is extremely important!!! Thanks for sharing this message we all as parents need to remember 🙂

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  20. I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old, and sometimes it's really hard, but it's so important to remember to give love even when you don't feel like it.

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  22. Keeping balance in our relationships while raising kids can be so challengging. I love your advice to take time to remember your spouse’s best qualities. It's important to stay connected.

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  23. I love this!! We have a step son and sometimes it hard to remember to choose to love. Making time for each other is very important too and always remembering to put our marriage first. Thank you for sharing

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  27. My heart has so much love for these words. We struggle immensely in trying to maintain the balance between parenthood and marriage. Some days, I feel like I am either failing as a wife or as a mother. Thank you so much.

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  28. I really enjoyed this post. But you made me feel like I have it really easy in comparison…I'm single,my son is six and between school and spending time with my exhusband every other weekend, I actually have a lot of free time. I would much rather be busy and married though…I hate being single.

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  29. I definitely needed this. We have a 5 and 3-year-old and it has been tough. the 5-year-old listens, but the 3-year-old…….LOL. I am going to show this to my wife and adopt it this week. Thanks! 🙂

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  34. man isn't this all the truth! It's so hard to keep your relationships going when you're working 24/7. Thanks for the reminder that I needed to spend sometime loving on my honey tonight

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  35. You are a very wise wife and mother! I remember the days when my girls were young. On more difficult days it helps to keep in mind that these moments are fleeting. Each day is precious and there are so many milestones to enjoy with your family. On the days when the laundry doesn't get done and you need to order take-out for dinner, just go with the flow and know you and your husband are doing a great job. My advice is to always remember that the two of you are a team – a winning team!

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  58. I feel as if you have peeked into my life. Haha! My husband and I were married for 7 years before we decided to have kids. And wow! The changes that followed were a huge surprise! We knew stuff would change, but we were/still are shocked at how much they affect our relationship. Love this!!

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  61. I find I often have to remind myself this! Sometimes it's a real struggle, but we try to make a point to connect with each other at least once a week. I'll admit, there are weeks that get hectic and I feel like we're not taking the time to stop and appreciate each other, and then other weeks we do a great job of spending time along together. It definitely happens to all of us!

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  62. I just reread this post, and I would have to agree that it is the hardest for me too. It's been especially hard lately, and I'm not sure why. I guess the change of seasons?

    Reply

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